Bedroom Talk

Have asked before(reedited) Opinions Please!!?

Public Comments

1. It likes me. You have a talent. I read it all, for me it is cool!
2. Way too descriptive. Overly done. Leave some things to your readers' imaginations. Too much information. An editor would cut out about half of it. Please do yourself a favor and read Stephen King's On Writing. This kind of overly descriptive writing loaded down with adjectives and adverbs until it cannot bear its own weight is discussed in detail in there. It is the mark of an amateur writer. Did you ever read Misery? You should. You would notice that King goes out of his way to describe Annie. We know what she looks like, how she smells, her little habits, etc. We even know what her portion of the house looks like in just enough detail. However we know next to nothing about our protagonist, Paul. Even the layout of the room is largely left to our imaginations. Why? Because he knows he has to burn that image of Annie into our brains. He wants her to scare the living hell out of us. And she does. However, Paul our hero, is left to our imagination. Is he King's doppleganger? We don't know because he doesn't tell us. He carefully and correctly limits the amount of information he gives us. We are as scared and confused in this room as Paul is. It is new to us, too. That is the mark of good writing. Knowing when to add the details and when to withhold them. And knowing what color hair and eyes your protagonist has isn't characterization. You haven't fleshed this person out at all. They are a two dimensional, flat paper doll. For example - I learn more about Lolita in the first paragraph of Nabakov's book than I do in all this stuff you have written -- and Lolita isn't even IN the first paragraph. THAT is how to create a character. This becomes a huge information dump. One long case of Telling Not Showing. Sentence after sentence you just dump information on us. A good author SHOWS not TELLS. You need to read a couple good books on writing to learn how. This just reads like a laundry list. No feeling or emotion in it. Sorry. Pax-C
3. I have read chapter 1, but chapter 2 is amazing as well. U R getting really far with it and it really gets me interested into the story. I love it so much! Seriously email it to me!! LOL :) -Freckles
4. "That is the mark of good writing. Knowing when to add the details and when to withhold them." Hate to quote another person's answer but Pers. really knows what she's talking about. The key is to be concise, and only describe where it is necessary for effect. Such a skill is very much acquired as you write, as well as read about how to write fiction properly. Buy NOW "Self-Editing For Fiction Writers" and it will save you a hell of a lot of wasted time, read that book before you redraft this thing ENTIRELY. Sorry to be harsh but it reads amateur, hey so does mine at the moment too, it's a struggle, not meant to be easy, but anything worth having is worth working HARD for. Good luck, and many wouldn't even try, so give yourself a pat on the back then keep going.